My Duel with Duality

I have been feeling ashamed, depressed, unmotivated, closed off and despairing lately. A battle has been raging within. I am aware it has been going on all my life. All my life I have pushed and pushed. Now I can push no longer. I am exhausted - literally. I give up. What am I giving up? I'm giving up the duel - my battle with the duality I have created within myself.

I acknowledge the parts of myself that I despise and berate. The self that shames me; the self that lets me down; the self that shows up my vulnerability and weaknesses; the self that doesn't cope; the self that hides; the self that pretends; the self that falls ill when I am depending on myself; the self that closes off and closes in.

These despised parts of me have been punished all their life. I have squashed them and tried to cast them off as if they didn't belong to me. I have tried whipping them into shape until they perform properly. Now they are exhausted. They are refusing to perform, participate and co-operate. I thought I was depressed. But I realise my punishing, whipping self feels even more exhausted. I can now identify my exhaustion as battle fatigue. I am left with 2 weary sides screaming out to be accepted loved and nurtured. I collapse into myself.

My wise self whispers to me, "include all of your selves, all of who you are. Bring those despised shameful parts and the punishing self into your heart and let them rest there side by side." Finally an experience of self love and kindness opens my heart to myself. I can sense peace settling on my wearied battle ground. I feel the heaviness and exhaustion lifting.

And a little voice just has to make itself heard, " What took you so long to wake up to yourself? After all your study, healings and experience you should have been more aware!" I meet it with a smile and a quiet laugh.