I lost my father six month ago

I lost my father six month ago. He was not just my father; he was my friend, my teacher, my soul mate. Please do not think about me as of the daddy’s girl it is opposite of it. I have immigrate to this country with nothing at all and while I had a very difficult time I subsided I raising my son with out presence of his father (he was around just not really in), I am working on my PhD in archeology, also professionally dancing – I am sure I will not be able to do it without my father help, who I have supported for 17 years.

When my father got stroke – everyone turned away, my sister was always busy, my mother charged me for food he was bringing, and my boyfriend was unsupportive. I almost lost my mind carrying for my father for about six month until he died – I miss him so much with no one to tell, or no one to hug me.

My boyfriend is cheapest person in the universe. I have bury my father on July 16; my birthday was July 20…he even did not have me a flower.
I want to get rid of him, but my son gets upset…he want to have family.

When my father was sick he would fall at night from the bed, and my boyfriend (who lives in my house, and try not to buy even grocery) was very mad that I ask him to help me to pick my very heavy father from the floor.

I feel guilt, I feel gilt that I was not able to help my father more. I feel guilt that I have choose to stay with my boyfriend while I could find somebody with bigger heart. I feel guilty that I could not give my father ice cream when he was begging for it in the surgery room….I have no one to talk to …this blog is a first place where I expressing my pain.