Freedom from Bondage

JohnLBP's picture

Very often when we approach Family Constellation we work, we do so from a wounded place. Perhaps we did not receive the love and nurturance we needed, or perhaps there was even abuse that was verbal, physical or sexual. These can be very deep wounds that have a deep impact on how we live our lives and our current relationship, be that with partners, our children or friends.

Very often we can get stuck with two differing attempts to heal a family wound. We can get motivated to heal ourselves and simply to 'try' harder, hoping that somehow they may one day become the family that we needed, or, with distaste and disdain, we can remove ourselves, sever all contact and get on with our lives - neither approach works. With the former we can create a pattern in which in order to have our needs met we develop a high tolerance for abuse and with the latter, in severing the physical link, we are still left with the unseen energetic and psychological ties. These ties are our family's image of us and the family image of the world - to which we are for the most part loyal.

So how do we extricate ourselves from destructive family patterns whilst at the same time honouring the life that has been given? It is at this point that Family Constellation work steps into the spiritual domain, beyond the framework of what may be termed psychotherapeutic process.

With this process, the healing sentence 'Thank you for what you could do for me, the rest I shall do for myself' presents itself as a solution. So what are we saying with this healing sentence? No matter the circumstances, something was given - be that shelter, sustenance, education and life itself. In addition, we are acknowledging in a respectful way that there are and were limitations with 'could'. As we round off our sentence with 'the rest I shall give to myself' we start the process of freeing ourselves from the bondage that someday what we needed will be given and empower ourselves to start drinking in life's riches without being dependent on another to change or transform.

At times it is necessary to extricate ourselves from our family, but how do we do this and yet retain some sense of who we are and the ability to turn our fate into a destiny of choice instead of a fate that repeats itself over and over? Closing our heart, turning away with anger, taking a superior stance or walking off with disdain are approaches that are always doomed to fail, for we simply take all of that with us and that in turn re-creates the same thing over and over. Having tried all of those things over and over and over again, we then enter the spiritual. We begin to look at our fate as something that was handed to us by forces and movements much greater than ourselves. In turn we ask ourselves the question 'this is my fate, what am I going to do with it?' Within this is the acknowledgment that buried under our deepest wound lie our greatest gifts. Once we acknowledge and accept what is and what was, and know that it is not within our power to change anyone, we can then start the process of bowing with deep respect and saying 'Thank you for what you could do for me, the rest I shall give to myself'. At this point we liberate ourselves from the belief systems, images and wounds of the family system whilst retaining the family in our heart, opening ourselves to the blessings of the ancestors and the goodness that life can offer - we embrace our soul and all that it has delivered.